CONTROL FREAK

not having to control your life is like not knowing what you want in life.
i haven't made thoughts about this thing until people made me suddenly feel unsure.
i mean, i'm already 21 years old, and i still can't control what i want to happen with my life.

yes, i choose my friends, i chose my boyfriend, i chose to whose group i should belong to.
but aside from these, can i really choose what i want to happen with my life?

the answer is yes. technically because i own my life.
i am the main responsible to the things that happened, has happened, is happening and will happen to it.
to tell honestly, i'm tired of always taking advices from people and do it immediately without even thinking on what i want to do with it.
i'm, tired of letting people control my life without me realizing it.
advices are meant to make you think right?
it doesn't mean that if someone give you an advice, you should immediately do it right?
well i guess i'm tired of not having to control my own life and always listen to people whom i thought have the best interests in me.
i won't mention any names but for sure, you know who you are.
you just need to have some self-reflection with that.

on the other hand, i myself also know that i'm quite a control freak at times.
but believe me, with the confused emotions i have right now, i'm not in the position to control anyone, in particular.
i know that. that's why don't be bothered if i'm not the control freak that you used to know.


i heard this line from someone and i forgot who he or she was.
"hayaan mong madapa ang tao. para mismo siya ang matutong tumayo para sa sarili niya".
actually, this is the line that i have been telling other people when they worry about others.
but i myself sometimes forget about it.
i guess i have to always put this in my mind though. hahaha.
with this line, it doesn't mean that you don't care for your loved ones.
actually, it means that you care enough about them to let them do what they want and experience what they should experience for them to learn.
it's not about playing safe with whatever probable outcome of their actions, it's about letting them learn on their own.

as for me, i'm doing that right now.
many thanks for the people who made me realize this thing.
i still have many things to learn on my own, i know that.
but the sad thing is, i'm still letting people control what should happen with my life.
i thought maybe, i just love them so much to even give in to what they want to happen.
but whenever i think about this way, do they even think of my feelings too?


i do get tired.
of giving in to their wants. of understanding to what they want to happen.
of them controlling my life.
but mind you, i do value your care and your concern.
but despite all of these, have you ever thought about this thing: "are you really concerned for the person? or are you more concerned with what other may think of you for having a loved-one like him or her?"

BEING A CONTROL FREAK IS DIFFERENT FROM BEING CONCERNED.
there is a thin line separating these two.

now, i'm not being an E-M-0 here. i'm just expressing my thoughts, actually.
well, i guess based on this blog, you can guess two things.
i'm tired of being concerned and caring for other people who don't even give a damn with these.
and i'm tired of letting other people control my life, based on their own happiness that overlap with mine.

i'm sorry. but i guess it's time to think of my own happiness too.